Coach, it’s been almost 2 years since your last interview, and you now find yourself back in the Mountains of Colorado. How did this return come to pass?
Coach Beav: “I heard the whispers from the Mountain Tops, imploring me to head back west. The Allure of the Mountains is too strong to resist…so I just put on my favorite chaps and headed Coloradeeway.”
You are missed on the east Coach. Frankly, it’s amazing that Fishy Jackson has been able to function without coaching, but it’s clearly a product of previous years of damn good coaching. Now Coach, given that you’re so natural and pure, it’s understandable that you may decide to live off the land outdoors. Tell us about your current living situation.
Coach Beav: “My residence tends to vary upon my mood, but I’ve been mostly living in Lodging of late. I tried the whole “live outdoors” thing but it just wasn’t working out. Every time I found a decent little cave or ditch to take shelter in, some random woodchuck or mountain goat would try to share it with me or just kick me out all together. It was just a real pain in the ass. Plus with the cold climate, it made more sense to take residence indoors.”
Makes sense, Coach. You’ve mentioned in the past that snowboarding and fishing are basically the same, and the transition from snowboarding to fishing is natural for you. Many people were confused by this, please elaborate if you will.
Coach Beav: “Most people struggle to find the similarities between snowboarding and fishing, mostly because there are none. But if you think about it, I could probably find a way to hook a fishing reel up to my snowboard if I wanted to…so in theory I could snowboard down to a spot on a lake and then use the board as a quasi fishing rod. But most people simply wouldn’t think of that though…hence the confusion.”
Thanks for clearing that up Coach. Over the years you’ve taken steps forward, sideways, backwards, and all other directions…but mostly forward. What is it that drives you to keep taking steps forward?
Coach Beav: “When I was about 10 months old, I took my first step. It gave me such an adrenaline rush I took a second step, then another and another and I just kept stepping until I got tired and took a nap. I decided right there at that moment that I was going to keep taking steps until there’s nowhere to step anymore.”
Wow, that’s deep, man. Alright Coach, we understand you adhere to a strict diet regiment nowadays since you’re a growing manboy, what does this consist of?
Coach Beav: “Biscuits mostly, though I do consume a good deal of Kimchi as well. But I obtain the majority of my nutrients from various forms of biscuits.”
Celebrity you would most like to meet?
Coach Beav: “I do intend to meet with Fishy Jackson when I return to the East Coast, but I suppose that doesn’t count. Hmm, I’d have to say the Good Doctor, Dr. Heiter, from Human Centipede. Many frown upon his work, but his advancements made in the Sciences should not go unnoticed.”
Agreed Coach. How about favorite Novel?
Coach Beav: “Do I look like some kind of f**king reader to you bro? Next question.”
Apologies Coach, I do not want to ruffle any feathers here. Let’s wrap this up…please Coach, leave us with some words of wisdom before you head back to the slopes…
Coach Beav: “I would like to quote fellow Fishy Squadron member Sir Sharktone for this one. Ahem [clears throat] ‘Pound hard and true. We don’t pound to pro-create, we pound strictly for the sake of pounding, it’s a strict life of drilling. You see, pounding is a release, it’s a rhythm, it’s a heartbeat…Don’t knock the pound’…”